Meryl’s Marathon

There are several other fine blogs about Capella University and their unethical practices; these include: Capella University Sucks, Transparency by Design Exposed, and Capella University Lawsuits.

Also, there are several fine blogs that parody the marketing drivel produced by Capella’s PR Department, including: Crapella Blogs - Bogus blogs about Capella University; Air Force major aims low; Big city mayor has a brush in with online education;  Closing Down on IT; Dreary of Endurance; One Green Beret’s Journey, and Soldier Forgets Ph.D..

Enjoy!

I’m so distraught because I haven’t written anything about my Capella University panties in many weeks. I guess that’s because since I got home from Dayton, I’ve been obsessed with looking up the scores of Capella employees (oops, make that “independent contractors”) who also suffer from marathonitis. I’ve also been disgusted with the fact that Capella’s feeble president and oaf, Michael Offerman, who loves to compare marathons with the degrees-for dollars programs at Capella University, never bothers to run in any marathons himself. Oh well, all of this marathon nonsense is nothing but a publicity stunt for Capella University anyway!

After the last marathon, I visited the land of Dorothy and Auntie Em. All of the small-town parades were so exciting – in fact, I almost wet my Capella Panties when I saw my hubby riding on a float that he had decorated! Of course, I also took a lot of pictures because I was so proud of him.

When we finally arrived home, I had just enough time to wash my Capella University panties and embroider Capella University’s new stock-ticker symbol on them – CPLA. I know that appears to refer to crapola. . . oh well. Do you think that people will really cough up money to buy Capella’s stock – after all, the United States Department of Education, Office of the Inspector General is currently auditing Capella University for apparently trying to defraud American taxpayers out of approximately $500,000! (Yes, that’s a half-a-million buckaroos!)

Come to think of it, the worthless piece of paper I bought from Capella University (you know, that one that says I’ve got a PhD), helped to get me a job at WalMart. They were so impressed that the diploma had been colored in with crayon.

I can’t wait until the next marathon I’m running in – I get to wear my Goofy Capella University panties at the Goofy Challenge being held at Walt Disney World in Florida. That should be a great event as I’ll sweat a LOT from the humidity.

That brings me to my final point – do you think that Capella University is going to let me run in the Antarctic Marathon? I think it’s so exciting that they’re going to be a sponsor! It just goes to show that Capella University will do anything to get more publicity and what could be more meaningless than a marathon on the frozen continent! Of course, I’m also going to run in the Crapella University Arctic Marathon too – I can’t wait to tell you more!

Everything met my expectations and more! I was so proud to wear my Capella panties as I listened to some young Air Force hunk sing the Star Spangled Banner. Of course, my hubby didn’t mind my excitement, after all, I shipped him off to some boring museum while I drooled.

Prior to the marathon, we were feed able pie and as we admired pictures of our mothers while we ate. What could be a more wholesome scene for a Capella University publicity stunt?! Oh, I almost forgot - the museum my hubby went to (while I was drooling over Air Force hunks young enough to be my grandchildren) had a special hanger that housed the Air Force One used by such fine men as “I’m not a crook, Nixon” and “I never had sex with that women, Clinton.” Isn’t that great!

Another exciting experience I had was giving “high fives” to all of children lining the route. I really wanted to pass out Capella University balloons, stickers, stamps, cup cakes, etc. but I did have any room in my panties to hold them. Just the same, I love exploiting children for Capella too.

Of course, the highlight was when I received a medal - I was so excited that I peed in my panties - just like I did when I attended the Capella University graduation ceremonies. It was one of the nicest medals I have ever seen - it matched my eyes too!

Have you ever noticed my obsession with my Capella panties and the other things I wear when I run in marathons? I just can’t wait to run in the Air Force Marathon near the Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in a few days. I just KNOW that everybody is going to be making sure that I’ll be wearing all of my lovely Capella paraphernalia!

Mentioning my undies, I’m getting goose bumps right now just thinking about the parallels between running in marathons as a human (or was that inhuman?) billboard for Capella University. For example, when I run in marathons, I wear my Capella panties – that’s what I did too when I was sitting on my butt in front of a computer buying my Capella PhD – I wore my Capella panties too! Aren’t you proud of me?! Oh, I think I must be breaking out in a sweat!

It’s a good thing that I’m a real kiss-ass. After all, why would I continually post advertisements for Crapella University that are really nothing more than brazen advertisements for an online “school” that bilks millions of dollars from our military while, at the same time, is only concerned with filling their coffers.

I can hardly wait until the Air Force Marathon in Dayton, Ohio – just think of all of the publicity that I’ll be getting for Capella University! I get so excited about it that I’ve told my hubby that he’ll just have to find something to do while I engage in yet another PR stunt for Capella. In fact, I’ve been so excited about it & and have wet my Texas Flag running shorts (they’re simply DARLING) that I’ve now had to replace them with my Capella Panties – you know, the ones that appeared in the ad!

Of course, running in yet another marathon also has nothing to do with buying a PhD from Capella University but that won’t stop me! I just love telling the world that I run in marathons only because doing so helps my alma mater. I hope y’all (I learnt how to spoke at Capella University) will stop by and see my Capella Panties when I cross the finish line at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base!

While this site is, obviously, a parody of the drivel you’ll find on Capella University’s blogs, I certainly didn’t think that they would take my post about Capella University panties literally! I’m so honored! After all, I’ve been running in three marathons a week just so that I can promote non-line learning at Crapella University Sucks and have already mentioned that my panties made a great addition to my wardrobe (like I said before, they match my eyes)!

What a pleasant surprise to find out that others are blogging about one of Capella’s recent advertisements that appears to show a women wearing panties while she’s groping her crotch! Yes, that’s just plain GROSS but what else would you expect from Capella University a fully accredited online school (please bow and observe a moment of silence)? While we can’t reprint some of the language being used to describe this ad, I’d certainly encourage visitors to view what others are saying!

Just as funny is that someone else has also picked up this rather vulgar advertisement, I’m happy to provide a link that site too. While that blog wonders if this was a “subliminal” message, the ad (which is pictured on the left, in case you [or someone from Capella University] missed it) speaks for itself. I wonder how many newbies Capella thinks they’ll attract with their panties.

The only disappointing thing is that I didn’t blog about it first (although, I believe I was the first to mention Capella panties). Oh well, guess I’m too busy running marathons.

You know what I like about Capella University? They exploit everyone and anyone they can find to help ‘em sell more degrees! That’s right, they’ll take every opportunity they can find and turn it into a sales pitch. Take, for instance, the marathon I just ran in – marathons have nothing to do with Capella University (after all, everyone just sits on their butts while doing their work – Capella is an entirely online for-profit school that doesn’t have (or even need) a PE department. I’ve already sold my own soul to Capella so they exploit my participation in marathons (not only that, but it feeds my feeble ego too)! Then, Capella wanted me to mention that my husband had a fresh pair of Capella panties to change into during mile 22 (wasn’t he a sweety?)!

Of course, I have to mention all of the wonderful “volunteers” (unpaid sales squad) because by mentioning them here, they made be so excited that they’ll enroll at Capella too. Wouldn’t that be just swell?

Gosh, I was so excited when I packed my Capella University panties, along with my Hicksville running shorts (you know, the ones that match my eyes), for the Cleveland Marathon, that I wet my pants! I just can’t wait to run in another marathon that has absolutely NOTHING to do with Capella University: other than the fact that the university (if you can call it that) spends big bucks to try and con others to be subjected to their bigotry.

Of course, I also packed my laptop so that when I connect to WebCT (which doesn’t work anyway), I can pretend that I’m a real “learner” even though I’m really just a non-thinking bimbo trying to drum up more business for the incompetent independent contractors (like Diane Stottlemyer, who buys graduate degrees from real diploma mills) that serve as instructors at Capella University. I also try remember to pack other essential items, especially deodorant, because Capella University really does stink - a lot! In fact, it smells almost as bad as my Capella University shorts (the ones that match my eyes) after mile 26 3/4!

One of the things that I really enjoy is watching all of the middle-aged geezers keel over from heart attacks during the marathon because of their megalomaniacal narcissistic need to impress others for Capella University. Heck, even the funerals for these clowns are great fun because Capella University always drapes the coffins with the school banner (what a great selling tool)!

Of course, I love having all of my fans drop by the sales booth after the marathon in order to drink gallons of water with me – besides keeping me well-hydrated (are you impressed with the big words that Capella’s PR team puts in my mouth), it also makes me urinate. After all, I got to find some way to get Capella University out of my system!

Absolutely nothing, of course! Just the same, Capella University is now using them to promote their drivel. Capella’s use of marathons is similar to their use of blogs - they remind me of the “Marlboro Man” (gosh, wasn’t he a HUNK)! Make stupid people think that they too can be great - just like those in the commercials.

As you can see from my beautiful photo, I don’t need Capella University to turn me into one of their poster children - I prefer to stay on the side of truth - Crapella University Sucks: Education. Stillborn.

Stay tuned for my next post - I think I’ll write about my running shorts and shoes

Love,

Meryl